


the closest i've ever been to the heart of everything

by allsassnoclass (brightblackholes)



Series: Ficmas 2020 [9]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Breakfast, I can't believe I'm doing this, Introspection, M/M, New Years, reflections on 2020, seriously roy monologues in his head a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:20:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28523070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightblackholes/pseuds/allsassnoclass
Summary: The first morning of 2021 in the Hood-English household.
Relationships: Calum Hood/Roy English
Series: Ficmas 2020 [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2071215
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	the closest i've ever been to the heart of everything

**Author's Note:**

> yeah I was going to put more of an author's note but I really don't have anything to say about this
> 
> Title is from "It's Been a Year" by Tom Rosenthal, which is one of my favorite songs.
> 
> Big shout out to Gregory. Gregory, my dear friend, thank you so much for always enabling me. I appreciate it more than you could ever realize.
> 
> Ficmas day 9? whooo?

2021 arrives quietly in the Hood-English household. Neither of them have plans, one last difference that 2020 has prompted in their lives, so they sit with Duke in the living room and turn on the radio, breaking out cards and board games to tide them over until the clock finally ticks over to a new day, new month, and entirely new year. They cheer in the new one and curse out the old one loud enough for Duke to give them both reproachful looks for interrupting his sleep, then Roy heads to bed. Calum has a few phone calls and video messages to send and respond to, throwing his love and well-wishes out into the world with a sigh of relief and hope for a brighter future. Roy’s entire world is contained in that living room, and the rest of the universe knows that he has infinite time to make connections and spread light, something which he is more inclined to do early in the morning than late at night.

Duke follows him into the bedroom and flops down on his bed, unaware of how momentous this moment is for his two humans and everyone else who has been desperate to see 2020 go. Roy is asleep by the time Calum joins him.

The first morning of 2021 begins in darkness for Roy. He and Calum had left the house the day before to watch the last sunset of 2020, and Roy feels that it’s important for him to see the dawn break on the new year. Calum had not been so keen, but that’s okay. As much as he loves sharing bits of himself with Calum, it’s also important to keep standing on his own feet and meet the future head-on, and Calum will still be here, sleeping peacefully and contentedly by the time he gets back.

His hair is a tangled mess against the pillow. He keeps saying that he wants to cut it, but he hasn’t yet, despite Roy offering to help do it at home. Secretly, Roy thinks he enjoys knowing that he doesn’t need to particularly take care of it and be visible now. Over the course of quarantine, Roy has watched him relax into himself more than he already had, giving himself time to exist without the pressures of being an international celebrity or strict schedules that sometimes come with the band. They both have been on parallel tracks of self-discovery, taking steps on different paths while still holding hands, and it’s been one of the bright spots of the year.

Roy slips out of their house and begins his run. The city wakes up around him in that hazy way that LA is prone to do, never fully asleep yet always groggy in the early hours, and the further from the heart of it he gets, the lighter the sky becomes around him. He pauses where he would typically loop back towards home and looks up, sky a beautiful blend of yellows, pinks, and reds, slowly and steadily chasing away the dark desperately clinging to the day. He closes his eyes and breathes in the energy of fresh starts and a bright sun, letting it fuel him for the way home.

Calum still isn’t awake when he returns, just like he expected, but Duke greets him at the door. He lets him out to do his business and fills his food and water so Calum won’t have to worry about it, then slips into a quick shower. It was cold out there this morning, winter permeating across California and here to stay for a while, but they have a gas fireplace that’s warm, and he grabs a journal and turns it on, taking a seat on the floor near it. His morning mediation is brief today, but it does the trick. Deep, slow breaths center him, helping him come back to inner alignment, and he rids himself of any tension and focuses his thoughts toward openness to the universe and whatever the new year might bring. He is constantly trying to improve, but despite the made up classifications of dates and years it’s still nice to feel like there’s a starting point, especially when so many people need it right now. A new year always breeds a thrumming, united, optimistic energy. It reassures people that the future can be better, and Roy plans to continue harnessing that energy for the rest of his life.

When he’s done meditating, he picks up the journal. Duke had joined him in the living room at some point while he had his eyes closed, resting his head on his paws. He’s used to the rhythm they developed during quarantine, patient in the time between his breakfast and Calum taking him for a walk. Roy feels like, in a way, he’s learned a lot from Duke this year. Dogs find simplistic joy in so many things, not needing a lot to maintain their happiness, just love and companionship. Duke has basked in Calum’s affections this year, overjoyed to have both humans in the house for the longest consecutive time.

Of course, Roy has also been basking in Calum’s presence this year. It’s been the longest time they’ve been able to spend together since they met, and Calum’s presence has been priceless.

If Roy could summarize his past year in one word it would be growth. He’s grown as an individual, more than he thought he would, and he’s witnessed growth and metamorphosis in so many people around him, too. The human race as a whole has been through tremendous growing pains this year, in a way that makes him excited for the future. None of that comes close to the growth he has experienced with Calum as a pair.

One of the many wonderful things about Calum is his complete support of positive transformation. Roy has never felt anything but love and steady reassurance from him. He is a great listener and has never laughed at Roy for his ideas and thoughts, and he understands the value of silence. Silences with Calum never have to be filled, but somehow he always feels closer to him after an afternoon of separate existence and an evening of quiet company. Growth happens in those tacit moments, but they also happen in the loud and obnoxious ones that they share, or the joyful laughter that Roy always manages to catch from Calum.

He would have gone insane without Calum around to keep him grounded, a strong anchor when he gets too close to floating away, and he knows that Calum appreciated his presence, too. Being with Calum makes Roy feel the closest he ever has to his authentic self, a combination of all of the people Roy has been in the past and all of the ones he wants to be in the future whittled down to a singular being in the present. It would make him uneasy to think that they’ll have to part ways again when tours finally restart if he didn’t know that music was what they’re meant to do. 

Besides, they have an unbreakable bond. Roy wouldn’t have gotten a matching tattoo with him if he didn’t know even as early as Bali that Calum would be the most important person in his life.

Calum contains too many multitudes to try to journal about, so Roy turns his attention back to the new year and articulates what he wants to see in 2021. For the most part, the things he writes down are simple. Once he notices himself talking in circles, he squeezes his last thoughts out until he has no words left, then sets down his pen and checks the time.

Calum will be getting up soon. It’s time for breakfast.

Roy has never claimed to be a master chef, but he orders pastries that Calum likes and warms some hash browns. Toast goes in the toaster and fruit gets cut up, arranged into neat lines on a cutting board with a copious amount of blueberries because it’s the one they both like best.

Calum enters the kitchen right before the hash browns are done, dashing Roy’s hopes of giving him breakfast in bed.

“Morning,” Calum says, voice sleep-raspy.

“Happy New Year,” Roy says. Calum hums appreciatively, pressing a kiss to his cheek as he passes, heading for the coffee pot.

“Coffee's on the counter,” Roy says. “I got your usual order.”

Calum switches directions, noticing the rest of breakfast laid out.

“You didn’t have to.”

“I figured we’d start the year out right.”

Calum hums again, popping a blueberry into his mouth while Roy takes the hash browns off the heat and gets toast on their plates. They move to the breakfast nook, located in a ray of morning sun that Roy always sits facing since Calum doesn’t like to squint into it. Duke takes his place at their feet, eagerly awaiting any food droppings and greeting Calum in the same move.

Calum will end up giving him some toast. That’s why Roy gave him two pieces instead of just one.

“What are you manifesting for the new year?” Calum asks after he has profusely thanked him for breakfast and eaten a good portion of it. “More growth?”

Roy marvels at how well Calum knows him and the seamless way they understand each other.

“Yeah. I want us all to continue awakening and expanding. What about you?”

“I’m not sure yet,” he says. “Give me the day to think on it.”

Roy nods. He can give Calum all the time in the world.

“Do you really think this year will be better?” Calum asks.

“Yes,” Roy answers immediately. “We can make it better.”

Calum smiles softly, taking another blueberry.

“I like your optimism,” he says. “You make me have faith in us.”

Roy smiles back at him, an answer that Calum can read easily. Roy has already told him that being with Calum keeps that faith in humanity growing. He is an optimist because Calum gives him evidence of the good in the universe every day. Another year with both of them together can only continue to breed good things, no matter what happens around them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Can't believe anyone actually did! Comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> You can find me on tumblr at [allsassnoclass!](http://allsassnoclass.tumblr.com)


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